Something Bollocksed
Willow sat at a table in a dark corner of the Bronze, sipping her third beer. She didn't want to see any of her friends tonight. They didn't understand what she was going through, although they kept trying to tell her they did. A night of wallowing was what she needed, with no interruptions from well-meaning, yet oblivious, friends.
"Hey, is this table reserved for the hopelessly maudlin? 'Cause I've been sent to bring cheer."
Willow glanced up and smiled wanly. "Hi, Riley."
He stood, uncomfortably. "Um, can I sit down?"
She shrugged and he sat.
"So, how's it going?"
Giles sighed, rubbed his eyes again, and leaned back against the couch. He was sightless - hopefully temporarily - and Xander had become a magnet for demons. That was all bad enough, but Buffy and Spike were madly in love and planning their nuptials. The consequences of that particular event didn't bear thinking about and Giles refused to dwell on it. He could, however, correct the cause of it all, which they'd determined was a do-thy-will spell cast by Willow, but he couldn't remove it without her.
Xander said, "What's to stop demons from busting in here?"
Giles looked disturbed. "Nothing." He got up and crossed to his desk, nearly tripping in the process. Xander lunged for him and grabbed his arm.
"What are you doing, Giles?"
"I know a spell that repels demons."
"Really? Then, why haven't we used it on Spike before now?"
Giles grumbled. "You may have a point. Perhaps we should cast it on Buffy."
Xander looked disgusted. "I don't like her being alone with Spike."
"They went to find Willow."
"I know. Maybe I shoulda' gone with them."
Giles shook his head. "It's too dangerous."
Xander, not willing to let it go, said, "You shouldn't of let Spike go. I mean, what kind of help is he anyway?"
"I didn't really have a choice, Xander," Giles said, perturbed. "I can't see and Buffy was quite adamant about Spike going."
He raised his hands. "Okay. Sorry. Can I do anything?"
Giles sat at his desk. "I'll need a few things."
"If there's one thing I can do, Giles, it's get things. Donuts, magical herbs . . . demons . . . syphilis. . . ."
"Yes, good," Giles said, distracted. "I'll need Anya. Where is she?"
"Right here," she called from the kitchen. "Do you want me to cast a spell, Giles?" She left the kitchen and joined them at the desk. "Because, I can still cast spells. They usually go pretty well," she said, nodding.
Xander looked at her, worried. "Pretty well?"
Willow glared at the happy couples on the dance floor. Her mouth curled into a frown. "I need to be less doormatty."
"Willow, you're not a doormat."
"I can't tell people no," she said, helplessly.
He shrugged. "You like to help people."
"And I'm gullible."
"You are not gullible."
"I wish I was more assertive."
Riley nodded. "Assertive is good." He took a sip of his beer. "You can work on it."
"And aggressive."
"Assertive is better."
"And more . . . more . . . vociferous."
Riley raised an eyebrow. "How about candid?"
"And definitely more audacious," she said with a nod. "It's kinda'. . . ."
"How about confident? That's a little less -."
"Dangerous."
"Extreme."
"What?"
"Not as forward."
"What are you talking about?"
"Never mind."
Willow shrugged and returned her gaze to the dance floor.
"So, Giles, I repel demons now?" Xander asked.
"Yes . . . well, I think so." He frowned. "It's up in the air, actually."
Xander gaped.
"It's because you already had another spell effecting you," Anya explained.
Giles was starting to feel the stress of the situation. He rubbed his eyes again, although no amount of rubbing seemed to help. "We don't really know what will happen, Xander."
"So, how do I find out?"
Giles shrugged. "Well, I'd say if a demon doesn't hurl himself at you in the next hour or so, it should be safe enough."
The door opened and Buffy and Spike entered.
"Where's Willow?" Anya asked.
"Couldn't find her."
"Did you actually look?" Giles asked, severely. "Or did you get distracted again?"
Buffy looked shocked. "We did not get sidetracked." She glanced at Spike. "Well, not much."
"She doesn't wanna' be found right now, Watcher," Spike said, moving to sit on the sofa. "Relax. She'll turn up."
Giles sighed. "Well, thank you, Spike. I'm sure everything will work itself out just splendidly."
Buffy joined Spike on the couch, leaning comfortably on him. "I don't know what else we can do, Giles."
Giles sighed in annoyance. "Buffy, do you think you could try to focus?"
"I am focused."
"No, you're not. It's the spell, Buffy. You've got to try and ignore its effects."
She turned around to look at him. "I told you, Giles, it hasn't effected me. Slayer strength probably."
Xander marched around to confront Buffy and Spike. "You're marrying Spike!" he said, gesturing at Spike. "He's a vampire and he's evil. Isn't there some part of the slayer in there that's setting off some bells, Buff?"
Buffy frowned. "I don't know why you can't -."
Spike jumped off the couch, caught in a fit of gagging.
"Honey, what's wrong?" Buffy asked, leaping up and grabbing his arm.
Spike covered his nose and leaned over, clutching his stomach.
"Spike!" Buffy wrapped an arm around his waist.
"Bloody hell," he managed. "What . . . I can't talk." He pushed away and crossed to the kitchen.
"What's going on?" Giles asked.
"It's Spike," Xander explained.
"What is it, honey?" Buffy asked, rushing to his side. "Are you sick?"
"That smell," he choked.
"I don't smell anything."
"It's him," he said, gesturing at Xander.
Xander looked offended. "I don't smell."
"It's bloody awful." He rubbed the tears from his eyes. "Worst thing I've ever smelled."
"What does it smell like?" Buffy asked.
Spike crinkled his face, trying to equate the odor with something. "Don't know," he said. "Just smells bad."
"I do not smell," Xander said again.
"It's the repelling spell," Giles explained.
"Huh? You mean I. . . ."
"Stink? Yes, I'm afraid so."
"But, the rest of you don't smell anything?"
"No."
Xander smiled. "So, it works pretty good, then."
"Turn it off!" Spike yelled.
"We can't do that, Spike," Giles said. "It's the only thing keeping the demons off of Xander."
"What am I supposed to do, huh?" he said, waving at Xander. "That stench is enough to make anyone heave their dinner at unsuspecting bystanders."
"You don't breathe, Spike," Giles said, patiently.
"I do when I'm around Buffy," he said.
"Why?" she asked.
The corner of his mouth quirked into a grin. "Your scent, luv. There's nothin' like it." He wrapped an arm around her waist. "Can't get enough of it."
"Oh, Spike, you're so sweet." She leaned in and kissed him, once again forgetting the other occupants of the room.
"Hey!" Xander said, diving across the room. "Keep your evil undead hands off her!" He grabbed Spike and shoved him away.
"Hey," Spike said, angrily, "it's none of your - oh, bloody . . . ." He gagged and stepped back.
Buffy grabbed him. "Put your head between your knees."
"That's for earthquakes," Spike gasped.
"It's all-purpose," Buffy explained, pushing firmly on his back and bending him in half.
Spike tried to stand up again, but quickly doubled over. "Soddin' hell." He started choking.
"Xander," Buffy said, "go over there."
"What?" he asked in disbelief.
"Go over . . . there," she said, waving him away.
Xander looked at her then at Anya in disgust, then moved to the other side of the room.
Spike straightened.
"Better, honey?" Buffy asked.
"I'm okay."
"Just don't breathe anymore, okay?"
"Gotta' breathe if I wanna' talk, luv."
Xander grinned. "Yet another benefit - silent Spike."
Buffy glared at him. "Just concentrate, okay?" she told Spike. "Breathe through your mouth if you want to say anything."
Spike nodded, clearly not wanting to test it again so soon.
Giles cleared his throat loudly. "Perhaps we could get back to the matter at hand?"
Riley nodded sympathetically, wondering just how much alcohol Willow could stand before she passed out.
"And Anya," she said in disgust. "She so possessive."
"Who's Anya?"
"I mean, did she know Xander in kindergarten? Was she there for cowboys and Indians? Cops and robbers? Or Cannibal Barbie safari?"
"Cannibal -?"
"Or when Xander's GI Joe turned into a maniac killer?" She smirked. "I don't think so." She took another drink of her beer and mumbled, "Miss Penelope went first, then Captain Kangaroo. . . ."
"Really?"
"Malibu Barbie was next - lost her head and other appendages. . . ."
"That's tough," Riley said, taking another drink of his beer. He was regretting his outing to the Bronze. Willow wasn't in a mood to be helped. She wanted to be maudlin and no amount of consoling was going to stop her.
"Ken and Bionic Woman had to hunt him down," she said.
"Good team," Riley said, nodding in understanding. "Brawn and good looks."
"He jumped off the slipper slide at the park. . . ."
"Ken?"
"GI Joe."
Riley nodded, glancing around the room for any of Willow's friends. Maybe they could help him out. "Lots of maniac killers chose suicide once they're cornered atop tall structures," he replied, absently.
"Billy Benton ran over him with his bike. Broke his leg off."
Riley looked appalled. "Billy?"
"GI Joe."
"Well, he had it coming."
"Those were good days," she said, sadly. "I miss them."
Riley tried to look understanding, but Willow was staring at nothing and missed it.
"Why can't we just go back to the way it was?" she asked, giving him a disconsolate look.
"Playing with Barbie dolls?"
"Being together."
"Oh."
Riley nodded again. It seemed to be all he was capable of. He was beginning to think his days as a moonlighting social counselor were numbered.
Willow finished off her fourth beer and clanked the bottle on the table. "Buffy and I don't even see Xander anymore." She glanced at Riley. "Is that fair?"
"Maybe you've had enough," Riley suggested, taking the bottle from her.
Giles had worked out a safe passage of travel and he was pacing it determinedly.
"I don't want to get married at night," Buffy pouted. "Weddings are supposed to be cheery and sunlighty."
Spike groaned and gazed at the ceiling.
"Will you stop doing that?" Buffy said, annoyed.
"We can't have a daytime wedding," Spike said, fixing her with a steady gaze. "Unless you're going to bring your Hoover vacuum along, pet, I don't see me getting home in one piece."
Buffy frowned at him. "I already said we wouldn't have it outdoors."
"Please," Giles said. "This is not remotely helpful."
"This is important to me, Giles -."
"Buffy," he said, turning toward her voice, "we have to cancel this spell. The only way we can do that, it seems, is to find Willow."
"I told you, we couldn't find her," Buffy said, and dropped onto the couch.
"Yes, well, that was an hour ago." Giles felt his way around the furniture and sat in the armchair. He leaned over and held his head in his hands. "She may be back at her dorm by now," he mumbled, tiredly.
Buffy looked at Giles, feeling bad for his situation. "Okay," she said, jumping to her feet. "Spike and I'll go check." She leaned over and patted Giles' shoulder. "It'll be okay. You'll see."
Giles looked up and gazed sightlessly at her. He put a hand over hers. "I know, Buffy," he said, reassured by her new attitude.
Buffy and Spike moved to the door. "Maybe we should let your mum decide," Spike said, holding the door open for her.
Buffy squealed. "I haven't told mom yet!" She leaned back into the apartment. "Giles, we have to stop by my house first and tell my mom I'm getting married! We won't be long!"
The door slammed shut.
Xander and Anya stared at each other, mutually stunned.
"That is bloody well it," Giles said, calmly. He stood.
"Giles?"
"We're going to find Willow," he said. "Xander, you'll have to drive."
Buffy and Spike sat in the living room of her mother's house. Her mother was staring at the two of them, astonished.
"Um, say something, mom," Buffy said, uneasily.
"I don't know what to say, Buffy," Joyce replied. "This is very sudden."
Spike gave her his charming smile. "It's sudden for us, too."
Joyce stared at him. She turned her attention back to Buffy. "Have you really thought this through, Buffy?"
"What's to think about?" She squeezed Spike's hand. "I love Spike and he loves me."
Her mother studied the two for another minute. "Can I talk to you alone, Buffy?" she asked, standing.
"You can say anything in front of Spike, mom."
"I really don't think -."
Spike interrupted. "It's okay, Joyce. If you want to make the point that I'm a soulless vampire, go ahead. I understand."
Joyce looked at him, disturbed. This wasn't the Spike that had sat at her table a year ago, sobbing about Drusilla leaving him. He seemed happy. She didn't know Spike well at all, but that wasn't an emotion she would have equated to him.
Buffy leaned toward Spike and whispered in his ear. "Maybe we should get back to Giles."
"Buffy, you don't have to whisper around me," her mother said.
"Oh, sorry. It's just . . . well, Giles needs us right now."
"You and . . . Spike?"
"Yeah."
Xander spotted Willow immediately. She was walking with Riley, heading for her dorm. Riley was practically carrying her.
"Wil!" Xander shouted. He pulled the car over, bumping the curb as he did so.
"Xander, please," Giles said, head resting in his hand and his elbow on the window, "take it easy."
"Sorry."
Anya and Xander jumped out and stopped Riley and Willow.
"Hey, Xander," Riley said. He glanced at Willow. "She's just a little . . . um . . . drunk."
"Oh, that's just great," Anya said. "How can she reverse this spell if -?"
"Ahn, hon," Xander interrupted, "Riley probably has things to do."
"Not really," he said. There was definitely something peculiar about Buffy's friends, but he couldn't quite finger it.
"Anyway, he doesn't want to hear our problems."
"I don't mind," Riley said, looking from one to the other. Maybe if he got to know her friends he'd have a better shot with Buffy.
"Xander," Giles called from the car. "Time is slipping irrecoverably into the past."
"Yeah, okay." Together, Xander and Riley manhandled Willow into the backseat of Giles' car.
"Um . . . how's Buffy?" Riley asked, shutting the door behind Anya.
Xander made his way around to the driver's side. "What? Oh, she's fine." He opened the door and slid in behind the wheel. "Really good. Nothing bad going on with her. Everything's just, really . . . fine."
Riley smiled, uncertainly. Definitely odd friends.
"Okay, so . . . I'll see you around, then," Xander said. "Probably Buffy will see you . . . you know . . . when she's feeling better."
"She's sick?" Riley asked, concerned.
"Huh?" Xander looked worried. "No, she's fine. Just a little tired with . . . uh . . . all the . . . um . . . you know. . . ."
"Xander," Giles said, sighing. "Stop while you still can."
"Right. Gotta' go," he told Riley. "I'll see you."
He started the car and eased away from the curb.
"Okay, I'll, uh, see you around . . . I guess," Riley said, waving casually.
Xander pulled back into traffic and Giles said, "Go to Buffy's. She's probably still there."
"Goin' to Buffy's?" Willow said, airily.
Giles turned to face her. "Willow, can you understand me?"
"Not talkin' Latin, Giles," she said, reasonably. She frowned. "Are you? Can't really tell." She looked at Giles again. "Do I speak Latin, Giles?"
"No . . . well, maybe . . . I don't think so." He shook his head. "Look, Willow, you've done a spell - a do-your-will spell and it's -."
She snorted and waved a hand at him. "That didn't work."
"Yes, it did."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Willow!" Giles stopped, abruptly and turned partially in his seat. He gazed sightlessly at the interior of the car, taking a few calming breaths.
"You okay, Giles?" Xander asked, giving him a sideways glance.
Giles rubbed his eyes, nodded, then turned back to Willow. "I need you to concentrate, Willow."
"Okey-dokey."
"Your spell has made me blind and -."
"You're blind?" She waved a hand in front of his eyes.
"Yes, and Xander has been turned into a demon magnet."
She snorted and glanced at Anya. "We already knew that, Giles."
Anya glowered at her and crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't think you have any right to malign my genealogy after what you've done."
"Me?" Willow turned sideways to face Anya. "You're the one clinging to Xander like a demented rodent."
"What!"
"Wil -," Xander said.
Anya sputtered. "A rodent! And what's my clinging got to do with your dysfunctional spell-casting? And, I do not cling!"
"Oh, please, you hardly know him -."
"That's enough," Giles said, firmly. "We have to get serious about this, especially since Buffy can't help us."
"What's with Buffy?" Willow asked.
"She and Spike are engaged," Anya answered.
"What?"
"They're getting married."
Xander rolled his eyes and shook his head. He gripped the steering wheel tighter. Why couldn't she have wished for a car or a million dollars? Or, for Spike to be a dusty memory? Or, better still, dusty and not remembered?
"That's ridiculous," Willow said. She peered at Anya, clearly not seeing well. "It's my nose, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
She pouted and tears pooled in her eyes. "Oz said I had a cute nose. . . ."
"You think he left you because of your nose?" Anya asked, puzzled.
"It's shaped funny, isn't it?" she asked, tugging on it.
Anya studied her. "I don't think so. It looks normal to me." She fingered her own nose. "Mine is kind of crooked, though. I think it's because -."
"Ahn!" Xander said. "Focus!"
"Oh . . . um. . . ." She turned to Willow. "Buffy and Spike are over at Buffy's house, planning their wedding."
Willow giggled.
"It's not funny, Willow," Giles said. He sighed. The night was shaping up to be just shy of an apocalypse.
"He's right, Wil," Xander said. "You haven't seen them together." He shuddered at the memory.
Willow frowned and glanced around the car.
Anya nodded. "They're kissing and touching and . . . and . . . it's actually kind of sweet. . . ."
"Ahn!"
"Well, it is. They look cute together."
"No, they don't!" Xander said, gesturing at her reflection in the rearview mirror. "It's bad. It's unnatural." He shook his head. "It's like Wilma leaving Fred for the Big Gazoo."
"The big what?"
"Except there was no Fred . . . unless you count Riley . . . but, they aren't dating . . . or, are they?"
"I don't know." Anya looked confused. "Is Buffy Wilma?"
Willow said, "I should be Wilma." She smirked and glanced at herself in the mirror. "Hello? Red hair," she said, pointing at her head.
"But, you don't act like Wilma," Anya said, reasonably.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Wilma was very responsible. She took care of Fred and paid the bills and made dinner for him every night."
Willow's jaw dropped open. "Are you saying I'm not responsible?"
Anya pursed her lips and looked out the window.
"Giles!" Willow said. "Tell her." She grabbed his shoulder. "I'm not - I would make dinner for Fred."
Anya scoffed. "He'd leave you the first time you didn't have supper ready because you were too busy turning Betty into a rat. I heard about that, you know."
"What? That wasn't me." She pulled on Giles' shoulder. "Giles, tell her. I wouldn't turn Betty into a rat."
Giles closed his eyes. He had to think of something. Willow was clearly in no state to reverse her spell. She also was under the delusion that it hadn't worked. If she couldn't fix this, he might have to do it, which would entail hours of research - something he wasn't in the mood for, nor capable of at the moment. Further grim thoughts were interrupted by Anya saying,
"You obviously can't control your magical abilities."
"You think Fred would leave me because Oz did, don't you?" she said, angrily.
"Anya, please," Giles said, wearily.
Anya looked about to grumble, but decided against it. "Well," she mumbled, "Fred probably wouldn't leave you."
Willow smiled, easily appeased in the grip of her alcoholic stupor.
"He'd probably descend into a complacent state of ignorance and resignation and spend his nights playing poker with Barney."
Willow frowned, trying to concentrate. "I don't think Fred and Barney gamble. . . ."
"No, no!" Xander said, suddenly, snapping his fingers. "It's like Nell dropping Dudley Do-Right for Snidely Whiplash!"
"So, now Buffy is Nell?" Anya asked.
Giles sighed and closed his eyes. He hoped they were nearing Buffy's house. The incessant arguing was wearing him down and not being able to tell where they were made the trip even more interminable.
"Yeah," Xander said, "you remember -."
"I liked Snidely," Willow said. "I think he was just misunderstood."
"He was evil!" Xander said. "Robbing the bank every week, tying women to railroad tracks -."
"That does sound evil," Anya said.
"Exactly the kind of thing Spike would do."
"He only did it because he couldn't have the woman he loved," Willow said, sadly.
"Spike?"
"Snidely."
"Snidely loved Nell?"
"Yes."
Xander twisted in his seat as much as he could to look at Willow. "Did we watch the same cartoon when we were little, Wil? 'Cause, I never saw the sparks there."
Anya frowned and turned to Willow. "Are you saying Spike loves Buffy?"
"Um . . . I don't know. What were we talking about?" Willow asked, holding her head.
"Spike and Buffy are getting married," Anya explained, patiently.
"Yeah," Xander said, "and Buffy's mom is probably having a major wiggins right about now."
Willow snorted and waved the idea away. "Are you kidding? Her mom think's Spike's adorable." She leaned against the door and closed her eyes. "She'll be thrilled."
"Oh, Buffy, I've been so worried that you wouldn't find anyone, what with all the killing every night," Joyce said, setting a serving tray on the coffee table. She grabbed Spike's hand and squeezed it affectionately.
Spike smiled and leaned forward. "Here, let me do that, Joyce," he said, taking the teapot from her.
"Thank you, Spike." She sat back and shared a look of joy with Buffy. "So, have you picked your colors yet?"
"Hey, demons in the road!" Xander said. He swerved violently, then settled back on his side of the road.
"What are they doing just standing there?" Anya asked, looking out the back window.
"Auditioning for Road Kill: The Movie," Xander said.
"They're throwing things at us."
"What?" Giles said.
Something hard hit the back of the car.
"What kind of a tactic is that!" Xander yelled. "Standing in the street and hurling objects?"
A rock cracked the back window and Anya screamed.
"Xander," Giles, said, disturbed, "what's going on?"
"Not sure, Giles, but I don't think that demon repelling spell is working."
More demons occupied the street up ahead and Xander made a sharp right turn. They found themselves on a narrow street with demons rushing to line up on either side of them.
They immediately started chucking rocks at them.
"Are we in the Gauntlet now?" Xander said, incredulously. "Because, Clint Eastwood was a little more prepared than we are." He swerved again and was forced onto the sidewalk.
More demons scurried out of the way, doing their best to hit the car with the rocks they had.
"Who's driving this car?" Willow mumbled.
Twenty minutes later they arrived at Buffy's house. Giles' car was nearly demolished.
They all clambered out of the vehicle. Xander, a hand on Giles' arm, studied the car dispassionately. "A dab of paint and a whole new car ought to fix it up nicely."
"Let's just get inside," Giles said, testily.
Inside, they dropped Willow on the sofa and explained the events of the last thirty minutes.
"So, they're like long distance killers now?" Buffy said.
"Apparently."
"Why?"
Giles sighed. "Buffy, try to concentrate. Please. It's the demon repellent spell we put on Xander. The smell is obviously too much for their heightened senses."
"Oh."
"They're probably hallucinating by now," Spike said, acidly.
"Thank you, Spike," Giles said. "We know it's bad."
"It's bloody rank."
"Yes, thank you," Giles said, impatiently. "Can we have coffee for Willow, please, Joyce?"
"Of course." She headed for the kitchen. "Buffy, you can help me."
"Okay," Buffy said, brightly.
"Buffy. . . ." Giles started, but realized it was useless.
"Spike wants everything blood-red," Buffy said, unhappily to her mother. "I can't wear red to my wedding."
"Maybe you can compromise," Joyce replied. "You could have dark red roses all around the church. . . ."
"Spike doesn't want to get married in a church."
Joyce looked stunned, then resolved. "I'll talk to him. . . ."
Giles lowered his head in resignation and rubbed the back of his neck.
Xander came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. "So, Giles, is this like your worst nightmare?"
Giles took a deep breath. "I really don't see how things can get any worse."
"Here." Spike grabbed Giles' hand and put a cup in it. "Mum makes a really good cup of tea, Rupes." He slapped Giles lightly on the shoulder. "Careful, it's hot."
An hour later Giles was sitting in a chair, a hot towel on his eyes. Willow was lying on the sofa, an ice pack on her forehead, and moaning occasionally.
Spike stood next to Giles, looking concerned. "Want some more tea, Rupert?"
"No, thank you, Spike."
"Aspirin?"
"No, thank you."
Spike moved to the end of the couch. He sat, gently bending Willow's legs out of the way, and said, "No worries, Rupes, we'll get you fixed up in no time."
"Spike, please stop being sociable. I can't manage that at the moment."
Xander emerged from the kitchen with another cup of coffee. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder.
"They're picking out china in there," he said, disgusted. "I don't know how much more of this wedding planning I can take."
Spike smirked. "Tell me about it. She wants me to dress up like some kind of poofy nancy boy."
"Yeah, I heard about the Mr. Knightly-Liberace number. I don't know who this Knightly guy is, but it sounds bad."
"It's Jane Austen," Willow mumbled.
Spike snorted and shook his head. "I don't understand this fascination you women have with those poofy books."
"They're actually very humorous stories," Giles said, lifting his head and letting the towel drop into his hands. He began fingering the wet cloth absently.
"I think they're romantic," Willow said.
Xander and Spike exchanged a look of incomprehension.
"Yeah, well," Spike said, "those books are misleading. Life isn't like that."
Willow lifted her head, offended. "How would you know if you never even read them?"
"I read 'em," Spike said, casually. "Before I was turned."
"You read Jane Austen?" Giles said, astonished.
Spike shrugged. "We didn't have TV back then, you know. We read a lot." He turned back to Willow. "And, believe me, luv, it wasn't like those books. Nobody watchin' out for all the good people, makin' sure they have a happy ending."
"Yeah," Xander said, gesturing, "look at Spike."
Spike glowered at him.
Giles cleared his throat. "Willow, if you're feeling . . . lucid, perhaps you'd like to remove your spell?"
Xander sat beside Willow and handed her a cup of coffee. "Here."
"Wow," Willow murmured.
"It's just coffee," Xander said.
Willow looked around, alarmed. "Xander?"
"Yeah?" he said, worriedly.
"Where are you?"
"Right here."
A worried look crossed Giles' face. "Willow, what's wrong?"
"Well," she said, warily, "my coffee cup is floating an inch from my nose and I'm hearing Xander."
Xander jumped up. "You can't see me!"
"Willow," Giles said, calmly. "You don't see Xander?"
"No."
"You see us, though, don't you, luv?" Spike asked.
"Yeah."
"Okay, this is bad," Xander said, and started pacing.
"Willow, did you wish you couldn't see Xander?" Giles asked.
"No! Why would I do that?" She sat up and eased her legs over the side of the couch. "Besides, I told you my spell didn't work."
"Willow, you're being irrational. Can't you see the effects of your spell?"
"I can see that you're trying to blame it on me," she said, frowning. "Something weird is going on, but my spell didn't work. I can prove it." She glanced around the room. "I will this lamp to grow legs." She touched the lamp beside the sofa.
Spike jumped off the couch and Xander moved next to Giles, who had also gotten to his feet.
The lamp remained immobile.
"Willow, what you're doing isn't safe," Giles said. "Please stop."
She didn't listen, but instead jumped to her feet. "I will . . . uh. . . ." She stopped abruptly and stared at the floor. "I will this carpet to fly!"
The carpet remained flat and slightly dusty.
"What's all the shouting?" Anya asked, peeking in from the kitchen.
Giles leaned toward Xander and whispered, "This is really dangerous. I'm not sure how it works, but it could suddenly take effect."
Xander nodded. "Uh . . . Wil, you think maybe you should -."
Willow stopped beside Spike. "I will Spike's hair to be orange!" she said, lightly touching his head.
"Hey!" Spike said, appalled. "Don't touch the hair."
"Ooh . . . you'll . . . what? Bite me?" She scoffed. "So scared."
Spike glared. "Hey, I'm still the big bad," he said, pointing a threatening finger at her shoulder. "I can still. . . ."
"What?" she asked, rolling her eyes. "You're all bark and no bite, Spike."
Spike glowered at her and shifted from one foot to the other. "I can still bite, Red," he said, menacingly.
Willow snorted. "Why don't you try annoying me to death? You have a much better chance."
Anya cast a glance into the kitchen, then moved into the living room. Things were clearly much more interesting with the men.
Giles frowned at her. "This isn't like you, Willow."
"What? Because I'm not the gullible, mousy doormat you're all so comfortable with?"
Spike snorted. "You've got insecurity issues, Red. Don't take 'em out on us."
She turned on Spike. "It's none of your business, Spike. You're not one of us."
"I may not be one of you, but I can still be effected by this whiney, all-about-me mojo you got goin' on," he said, waving a languid hand at her. "And I think I should have a say, that's all."
"Already been effected," Xander said from across the room. "And not in a good way, I might add."
Spike gave him a disdainful look. "Just because you can't accept that me and Buffy -."
"Whiney?" Willow interrupted.
"Willow," Giles said, "this really isn't constructive. You've got to reverse your spell."
She whirled around to face Giles. "Giles, it's not me. Didn't I just prove it?"
"Actually . . . no."
"I'm not the only one that does spells around here, Giles."
"Why are you looking at me?" Anya asked. She looked at Xander and Giles. "I didn't do a spell."
"How do we know that?" Willow asked. "It wasn't so long ago you were wanting my help to do a spell to get your vengeance powers back."
Anya looked uncomfortable. "That was last year." She glanced at Xander. "I learned my lesson," she said, not very convincingly.
Xander frowned at her. "Um . . . okay. On board with the belief here, Ahn. Try taking a firmer tone next time you deny something, though, okay?"
"Oh, that's just like you, Xander," Willow said, angrily, glancing around the room for him. "I've been your best friend since we were kids and you side with the ex-demon," she said, gesturing at Anya.
Xander, offended, said, "Well, maybe it's because you're acting more like vamp Willow right now."
Willow's mouth dropped open again. She stared for half a minute, then turned and marched for the door.
"Uh . . . hey, Wil," Xander called. "You should probably stay here."
"She's leaving?" Giles said, concerned. "Stop her! Xander - Spike!"
Spike, closest, stepped in front of her.
"Can't let you go, Red," he said, easily.
"What're you gonna' do, Spike, TALK me into staying?" she asked.
"Hey, just 'cause you got dumped by wolf-boy, doesn't mean you should take it out on the rest of us."
Willow's face went red and she pushed Spike. He fell against the door.
"Wil!" Xander said. He grabbed her from behind, wrapping both arms around her.
"Let me go!" Willow screamed.
Giles maneuvered to the front door.
"Willow," Giles said, gently. "I'm very sorry for what you've been going through -."
"Oh, Mr. Sensitive wants to talk now," she mumbled.
"Willow, you're not yourself -." An uncomfortable thought occurred to Giles and he took an involuntary step back as the possibility of things turning even blacker hit him. "Willow, did you wish something on yourself?"
She stopped struggling and looked guilty. "What?"
Giles repeated his question, trying to remain patient.
Xander turned Willow free but stayed close in the event he needed to tackle her.
Willow gave Giles a truculent look and remained silent.
"Willow, you're not acting normally."
She became angry again. "Why? Because I'm not willing to be pushed around by the rest of you?" She gestured wildly.
Giles stretched an arm out to her, but she moved back. "Willow," he said, "you've got to calm down."
"I am calm."
"I hardly think ranting can qualify as being calm." Giles took a breath. "Now, I know that you are aware that in the case of a do-thy-will spell the witch who cast it is the only one who can lift it."
She nodded.
"Please, remove your spell," he said, patiently.
She sighed petulantly.
"Please?" Giles persisted. "It can't make any difference if it never worked in the first place, as you claim."
Willow glared for half a minute, then gave in and muttered the reversal spell.
"I still don't see anything," Giles said, glumly, sitting down again.
Willow said, "And I don't see Xander." She stomped back to the sofa and laid down. "I told you it wasn't me."
"We gotta' do somethin'," the chaos demon said. He was holding a handkerchief over his nose. "I can't take much more."
Willy set two drinks in front of them and said, "You gotta' pay your tab, Carl."
Carl nodded, absently, and sipped his beer, trying to keep the handkerchief in place.
"You chaos demons got it easy. We can't hold our breath at all," the olive-colored demon beside him said, jerking a thumb at his buddy, "or we'll turn different colors!"
The chaos demon snorted. "You're a chameleon, moron. It's what you do."
"To evade predators, yeah, not to escape the stench-that-can't-be-believed."
"So, turn blue or somethin' and stop whining."
Three yellowish, spongy demons approached.
"Get this thing started, Larry," the first growled, "we can't stay conscious much longer."
Larry nodded, then turned to Carl again. "I can't control the color. It depends on the circumstances."
"Do I care about this?" Carl asked, wheezing into his handkerchief.
"You should. Yer girlfriend there is gonna' make me turn green."
"She likes green," Carl said, choking as he took an involuntary breath.
"It's a mating color," he replied, simply.
The chaos demon turned to his girlfriend. "Go out back, Bitsy."
The sponge demon groused, "Tonight, man. We got guys pukin' their guts out in the back room."
"Yeah, okay," Larry said.
"Are you turnin' green?" Carl asked, suspiciously.
"No."
"It smells out there," Bitsy whined.
"Just go," Carl said.
She sighed and stomped outside.
The chameleon demons let out a groan of pleasure and proceeded to turn pink.
Carl gazed warily at them. "What's pink mean?"
"Apprehension with a little unreasoning fear."
Carl raised his eyebrows.
"It's the Fioral demons," he explained, gesturing at the two across the room. "They like to eat our ears."
"That's tough."
"Hello!" sponge demon said, incredulously. "This stink's causin' fatalities, man. We gotta' do somethin'."
"Yeah, okay," Larry said. He raised his voice so everyone in the bar could hear him.
"We need to come up with options to fix this kid."
"Let's lock 'em in an airtight box."
"He's gotta' breathe."
"Why?"
"We can't kill 'em, moron," Carl said. "The Slayer wouldn't like it."
"He could leave town."
". . . I got some money. . . ."
"Maybe we could. . . ."
". . . wrap 'em in a. . . ."
". . . all pitch in. . . ."
". . . spray somethin on 'em. . . ."
". . . a big tarp. . . ."
Xander stepped into the living room, a look of panic on his face.
"What's with you?" Spike asked.
"Buffy can't see me either."
"What? She saw you earlier."
"Yeah, and now she can't."
Giles stopped his pacing. "Willow must still be wishing things."
"No, I'm not, Giles. Besides, it didn't -."
"I say we gag her and tie her up," Anya said, simply.
Willow glowered at her.
Anya went on. "Clearly, whatever she says is coming true with alarming unpredictability."
"She's right," Giles said.
"What?"
"We're not going to tie you up, Willow." Giles pinched his nose. He was getting a headache.
"Why not?" Anya asked. "Her erratic emotional state and generally indifferent attitude to the rest of us could maim or kill someone. Not to mention destroying the last shreds of friendship with the rest of you."
Willow gawked at her. "Oh, who's the former vengeance demon? Who killed and maimed thousands of people for over a thousand years?"
"Men."
"What?"
"It was just men."
Willow looked at Giles in abhorrence, remembered he couldn't see her, looked briefly for Xander, gave up, and settled her gaze on Spike. He shrugged and sat on the couch.
"I was doing my job," Anya said. "I helped people - women - and you're just wallowing in self-pity and trying to make the rest of us as unhappy as you."
Willow's mouth dropped open again.
"Anya, this really isn't constructive," Giles said. He sounded about one step away from a quiet room and a bottle of scotch.
Willow shook her head in disbelief. "You know, I've had about all I can stand of your I'm-a-former-demon-so-I-don't-have-to-obey-simple-rules-of-etiquette routine."
"Routine?"
"Just how many friends do you have anyway? Besides us?" Willow asked.
"Well. . . ." Anya frowned at the carpet.
"Gee," Willow said. "Surprise there. Maybe you should try being a little less truthful. You really think anyone would miss the queen of candor?"
Buffy and Joyce joined the group.
"Look at this honey," Buffy said, shoving the book onto Spike's lap.
"What's this, luv?"
"Wedding dresses. Mom had a catalog."
Joyce smiled. "I'm optimistic."
Giles sighed loudly and started pacing.
"Are you all right, Rupert?" Joyce asked.
"Not really, no." He rubbed the back of his neck.
"Would you like more tea?"
"I don't think it will help."
Willow picked up her ice pack from the coffee table and held it to her head.
"So, you don't like looking at me?" Xander asked. "Is that it?"
Willow rolled her eyes and turned around.
"'Cause, I can wear a paper bag over my head in the future. . . ."
Willow found herself facing the sofa which Spike and Buffy were occupying. They'd forgotten about the wedding dresses already and were snuggling and kissing.
"Stop it!" Willow screamed.
"What's wrong?" Giles asked.
"Just Spike and Buffy," Xander said, bitterly, "reminding us that nothing is so bad that it can't be made worse by a little nausea in the pit of the stomach."
Giles looked annoyed and moved to a chair.
"Are you insane, Buffy?" Willow asked, jamming the ice pack against her forehead harshly.
Buffy frowned. "Why does everyone keep saying that?" She leaned against Spike and he snuggled at her neck.
Willow gasped. "Get away from her!"
Spike glanced up, angry. "Mind your own business, Red."
"Wil," Buffy said, "you're just going to have to accept this. Spike and I are in love." She smiled as Spike rubbed his head against her neck again.
"I can't watch this," Willow said, covering her eyes and turning away.
"I wish I had the option," Giles said, acridly.
Xander moved to the window and peered out. He expected a mob of angry demons wielding torches and pitchforks at any moment. The lawn was empty and the street unnaturally quiet.
Buffy stood and moved around to stand in front of Willow. "Wil, don't be upset."
Willow looked at her, aghast. "Should I be happy that you're marrying a vampire?" She rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you didn't learn your lesson with Angel."
"Hey, does everything have to be about that wanker?"
Buffy gave Spike an irate look, then turned back to Willow. "That was really mean."
"Buffy," she said, trying to make her see reason, "this is wrong."
"Why?"
"Why?" Willow looked stunned. "He's evil and you hate him."
"It's no good, Willow," Giles said. "You can't reason with them. We really need to find out why your reversal spell didn't work."
"Well, how do you think Angel's gonna' take this?" Willow asked, ignoring Giles.
"He'll understand," Buffy said, uncertainly.
"Really? I kinda' think he's not gonna' react the way you expect."
Spike let out an annoyed sound and got to his feet.
Buffy gave him a sulky look. "Don't be upset, sweety. We won't talk about . . . him anymore."
"Oh, really? 'Cause, you always seem to come back to him, don't you?"
"That's not fair."
Willow groaned and smacked herself in the forehead with her ice pack again. "Maybe we should just have a group therapy session."
"You'd be the one to lead it," Spike said.
"Oh, please," she said, waving her ice pack at him. "Who came to town last year whining about Drusilla?"
"Well, at least I'm not servin' up pity pie to all my friends and forcin' it down their throats," Spike said.
Willow's jaw dropped. "Wha - you - that's just. . . ." She clinched her jaw.
"Willow, please stop talking," Giles said. "Everything you say is dangerous."
"I'm not wishing anything, Giles," she replied, glaring murderously at Spike.
"I'm serious, Willow. We don't know how it works. You could do something irreversible. Especially in your current attitude."
She scoffed. "My attitude?"
"We can still tie you up," he said, firmly.
"I think that's a very, very bad idea," Anya said, and proceeded to bite her lower lip.
Willow frowned at her.
"It's a little weird, don't you think?" Xander said, gesturing at the window. "No demons." He turned to look at Giles. "I mean, where are they anyway?"
The phone rang and Joyce answered it.
Giles said, "They can't stand the smell of you, Xander. They're not going to come around."
"That didn't stop 'em before, Giles. It was like Night of the Living Dead out there and now nothing."
"Buffy, it's for you."
Buffy crossed the room and took the phone. "Hello?"
She was silent for a few seconds.
"You're kidding, right?"
"Who is it, Buffy?" Giles asked.
"Hold on," she said, and covered the receiver with her hand. "It's some demon named Carl. He says he wants to talk about the stench-that-can't-be-named and what we're gonna' do about it." She shrugged. "I don't know what they're talking about and I have a reception to plan."
"It's Xander," Giles said, dispassionately.
"I'll handle it," Spike said.
Buffy eagerly handed him the phone. "Hurry up, honey. We have to discuss the invitation list."
Spike smirked and took the phone. "Hello?"
"Willow, come with me," Giles said, abruptly.
She looked worried. "What?"
"We need to get to the bottom of this spell and there's too much going on in here." He turned and made his way slowly across the room.
Willow followed, unhappily.
"Spike says he doesn't have anyone to be his best man," Buffy told her mother.
Joyce looked concerned. "We'll find someone."
"He wants to hire some kind of sponge demon to hold the ring. He says they don't lose things."
Joyce shook her head. "Men."
They returned to the kitchen to confer about the wedding and Anya moved to stand next to Xander.
"Tying her up and gagging her is a really, really . . . BAD idea," she said.
"Huh?" Xander said, absently. He was trying to decipher the phone conversation from what Spike was saying.
Eventually, Spike hung up and sat on the couch. "Got a little problem," he said.
Xander sat, too, and looked worried. "What now?"
"They wanna' negotiate."
"Negotiate?"
"They say the smell is so bad that some of the wankers are goin' insane."
"And why do we care?"
"You don't want Buffy to have to deal with demons that got a few loose bricks." He twirled a finger around near his temple. "Somethin' like this could turn the tide on the Hellmouth."
"What does that mean?"
"How many demons do you think are really a problem out there?" Spike asked, motioning at the window behind them.
"I don't know. All of 'em, I guess."
Spike raised his eyebrows. "You all survive on luck, don't you?"
"Hey -."
"About twenty percent," Spike said. "But, if the other eighty percent go all wonky in the head they'll likely start doin' things they wouldn't normally."
"So, what do we do?"
"They want us to lift the spell."
"Can't do it."
"That's what I told 'em. They said they won't attack you if we lift the smell-spell, but I said they can't control it."
"And?"
"Look," Spike said, "all we gotta' do is stall 'em until Red gets her head on straight and fixes her spell."
Xander sighed and leaned back. "Okay. So now what?"
"They're gonna' call back."
Willow sat at the dining room table, looking glum, and holding the ice pack to her head.
Giles and Anya sat on either side of her.
"Are you quite certain you did the original spell correctly?"
"Yes," Willow answered, disgusted.
"And the reversal spell?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yes."
"Anya, do you have any idea why it might not have worked?" Giles asked.
"No," she said, then looked upset.
"None at all? Surely, something -."
"No! I mean - no!"
"Calm down, Anya. Panicking isn't going to help."
"But, I AM panicking, Giles!"
"Well, stop it."
"I don't know anyone who can help us. . . ."
"That's all right. I don't, either."
"But, I . . . I really . . . think . . . there's just not ANYONE WHO CAN FIX THIS!"
"Anya, I'm sure it's not that bad . . . yet."
Willow dropped her ice pack on the table. "I think we should do a spell, Giles. See what's really going on here."
"Willow, I'm quite certain it's your spell."
"Why are you always blaming me, Giles?" she asked, upset. Everyone was turning on her and she couldn't understand why. Riley was the only person she'd had a reasonable conversation with in the last day and he hadn't said much.
"I don't, Willow." Giles shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "You're being extremely contrary."
"No, I'm -."
"What did you wish on yourself?"
Willow glared, not caring that he couldn't see her.
Giles sighed and closed his eyes.
"Well NOBODY can fix this," Anya said, shoving her chair back, "and I'm going to sit here until they show up on their own!"
Giles looked stunned. "Where are you going?"
"Nowhere!"
She marched out of the room.
Willow said, "What's with her?"
"Stop dripping on me," Larry said, wiping sludge from his arm and glancing at the chaos demon's horns. "Gack," he said, making a face. "Doesn't that ever stop?"
"No."
Larry rolled his eyes and turned a sickly shade of blue. "Look, we gotta' come up with plan B if we can't find a spell."
"Like what?" Sponge One asked.
"Like killin' him."
"The Slayer won't like that," Carl said.
"Do we care what the Slayer likes?" Larry asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.
"Well, yeah."
"Look, it's gotta' be done. We can't live like this."
Sponge Two looked annoyed. "Some of us ain't livin'."
"Already?"
He nodded. "I don't wanna' go that way, man. It ain't right."
"It's embarrassing," Sponge Three said, taking another deep breath to hold as long as he could.
Larry looked downcast. Things were getting worse. "I say we draw straws for the duty."
Everyone looked agitated but eventually relented. Before they could proceed a second chameleon demon burst through the door. He bent over, gagging, then took a succession of whooping gasps.
"You okay?" Larry asked, frowning.
The demon nodded but continued to gag, waving his arms up and down.
"Hold your breath already," Larry said, annoyed.
"Can't," he gasped. "There's a bunch of girls out front."
"So, don't look at 'em."
He shook his head. "They're wearin' these really cute, short skirts. All pink and lace -."
"Hey!" Sponge One shouted. "Can you get a grip, man! We - oh man!" He gasped once, then sucked his entire body up to its smallest degree. His eyes bugged out and he stood, immobile and looking slightly pickled.
The other two sponge demons darted panicked looks at him, then did the same.
Larry turned purple.
"Oh, hey, what's that color mean?" another demon asked, worriedly.
"Ahgggh. That smell is worse," another said, burying his head in his armpit.
"You get the book?" Larry asked his compatriot.
The chameleon, panting for much needed decent air, ran to him and thrust a small book into his hands.
Larry flipped through the pages with his friend pointing at the possibilities.
"Okay," Larry said, "we can - will you hold your breath already?"
The chameleon nodded and took a deep breath, instantly turning green.
"Focus!" Larry said.
He nodded again and managed to turn pink.
Larry looked through the book, then sighed in relief. "I was worried this would be in Romanian or somethin'."
"Yeah, like that fear spell we did that time."
Larry snorted. "That worked real well."
"Yeah, but Greek? Man, that was tough goin'."
Larry agreed and continued to peruse the book. "This one takes awhile," he said.
"It's mostly preparation. Nothin' we can't do."
Larry nodded in agreement. "Or this one."
"No, you need a full moon for that one. We can't wait that long." He leaned over Larry's shoulder and flipped a few pages. "There's this sorta' turnin' back time spell. . . ."
"No time spells," Carl said, firmly.
The chameleon frowned and turned another page. "Well, there's this bubble spell."
"A bubble?" Larry asked.
He nodded. "Yeah. Around the kid. Nothin' gets in and more importantly, nothin' gets out."
"He couldn't breathe," Carl said, dispassionately.
The chameleon rolled his eyes. "Back to that."
"It's kinda' important," Carl said.
Larry nodded and looked some more. "Why do these spells need so many fish?"
Sponge One let out a noisy whoosh of air and his eyes snapped back into his head. "Will you morons call Spike already!" He sucked himself up again and stood, swaying.
A puzzled look crossed Spike's face as he listened to the demon on the other end of the line. "Somethin' to cover up the smell?" He looked at Xander.
"Can they do that?" Xander asked.
Spike shrugged. "They're wankers. It probably won't work anyway."
Xander frowned, thinking. "So, that'd be like leaving the smell-spell there, but just blocking it?"
"I guess," Spike said.
"But, the smell is what's repelling them."
Spike frowned. "Yeah." He spoke into the phone again. "You gotta' find something to knock out the demon magnet thing or it's not gonna' work."
Xander, back to pacing the living room, moaned in annoyance and ran a hand through his hair.
Spike waited.
Xander raised his eyebrows at him.
Spike shrugged. "They're lookin' up somethin'."
Xander shook his head.
Spike listened for a minute. "Uh -huh . . . yeah . . . don't know. Hold on." He looked at Xander. "You have any fillings?"
"Wha -? Why -?" He groaned in surrender. "Yes. Two."
"Yeah, two," Spike said. He waited, then, "They say that's okay. More than two could be bad, though."
"What? Bad how?"
"What's that?" Spike said into the phone. "Okay." He hung up.
Xander stared at him, waiting.
"They found some kinda' suppression spell."
"What does that mean?"
"Don't know. We should probably ask Rupert," he said, thumbing toward the dining room.
Giles said, "Try again."
Willow was stomping around the room when Spike and Xander entered. She rolled her eyes and said the words to the spell.
"A little less sarcasm might help," Giles said, acidly.
"Giles," Xander said, urgently. "What's a suppression spell?"
"What? Xander, I don't have time for this."
"It's kinda' important, Giles."
Giles sighed. "It's rather self-explanatory, I would think," he said, gesturing. "A dictionary would do you and Spike no end of good. Buffy may have one. It'll be the dusty tome under her bed, no doubt."
"Hey, don't be pissy with us, Rupes," Spike said. "None of this is our fault, you know," he said, looking pointedly at Willow.
"You're right, Spike," Giles said. "I'm sorry, it's just . . . ." He reconsidered. "And, now I'm apologizing to Spike," he said in disgust.
Willow stopped her pacing and glared at Spike. "This is not my fault."
"Oh, really? You know anyone else with a whiney, self-inflicted problem that also happens to be able to cast spells?"
"Self-inflicted!"
Spike smirked. "Well, you're kinda' your own problem, Red. I mean, if you coulda' held wolf-boy's interest maybe he wouldn't have left."
Xander's jaw dropped open.
Willow was rapidly turning purple. "Wha -? I . . . Giles!"
"Or maybe you were too wild for the boy."
"Spike. . . ." Giles warned.
"You're supposed to be Buffy's maid of honor," Spike continued, "but I don't think you qualify." He waved a hand in the air absently. "I mean, they're supposed to be sweet and pure. . . ."
"Wha - I don't -." She gaped at him in rage. "You just . . . ." She gave up and hurled her ice pack at him. Xander, however, was between them and the pack hit him in the side of the head.
"Hey, standing right here!" Xander yelled, catching the ice pack as it dropped from his head. "Oh, I forgot, I'm too irritating to look at. Why don't I go stand in a corner until you miss me?"
Willow stood, glaring at Spike and breathing hard.
Spike just looked bored. He glanced at Giles. "I need some smokes, Rupes. Mind if I go out?"
"Yes, I do mind," he said. "But, I do think it would be best if you left the room."
Spike shrugged and turned to go. Willow ground out, "I need some Tylenol."
Spike smirked. "It's not that time of month, too, is it? 'Cause that's all we need." "Spike, get out," Giles said.
Willow stared at Spike's retreating back, then to Giles. "I'm . . . I'm gonna' turn him into . . . into . . . something really . . . BAD . . . and . . . and . . . ugly. . . ."
"Willow, calm down," Giles said. "Go get your aspirin."
She considered her options for half a minute, then stormed out of the room.
"And stay away from Spike!" Giles called after her.
The room was quiet for nearly a minute, then Giles heard a chair move.
"Who is that?"
Xander sighed in annoyance. "Just me, the invisible, reeking, jobless loser. Want me to go sit in the closet until you want me?"
Giles shook his head, exasperated. He'd done a few disagreeable things in his life and this apparently was some sort of retribution.
"I need a book," Giles said, abruptly.
"Huh?" Xander looked up.
"It's at my apartment. Can you go get it, please?"
"Oh, sure," Xander said. "Got nothin' better to do, and it's not like anyone will miss me."
"Xander, this isn't about you."
He sighed and nodded. "What's the book?"
"It's called the 'Watcher's Supplementary Guide.' It's on the shelf."
"Okay." He turned to go and hesitated. He looked back at Giles. "You think Wil's gonna' be able to fix her spell?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure what she wished for herself, but it's clearly making her extremely contrary."
"So, we've gotta' make her see reason, then?"
"I don't know if that's possible in her current state."
"Whatever we decide we gotta' keep Spike away from her. He's not helping."
"No," Giles agreed. "Perhaps you should take him with you. He seems to be going out of his way to annoy her."
Xander nodded, then looked stunned. "Oh, man. . . ."
"What is it?"
"Wil. She said somethin' about Spike annoying her to death. Do you think. . .?"
Giles took a deep breath. "Yes, I think." He rubbed his forehead. "I thought Spike was being more irritating than usual. We've got to keep them apart. Spike annoying her beyond endurance is only going to make her more contentious."
"Great," Xander said, squeezing his eyes shut. "Look, Giles, about this demon repelling thing. . . ."
"Xander, I really don't have time for this. At the rate we're proceeding, Spike and Buffy will be on their honeymoon before we reverse this spell."
"We could tie them up." He considered it. "Of course, we'd have to ambush Buffy again. Use something a little tougher than rope. . . ."
"Xander, I'm not certain how much more of this I can take, so please go get the book." "Leaving now."